People keep wanting me to manifest a baby.
Like I can just dream it into being.
Just like I can stop the rain from falling from the sky.
No wait.
I can’t stop the rain from falling from the sky.
And I can’t “manifest” a baby.
But being told I can, gives me
yet another thing to beat myself up with. Another thing
to blame on myself.
As if my body not making a baby weren’t enough to deal with. I have to
believe it’s not my body failing. It’s my mind
not being positive enough. If I could just
think some happy thoughts. Picture
myself with my child. Then the baby will come.
As if I haven’t pictured my child one hundred
million times.
As if, for millennia, people have been thinking happy thoughts in order to get pregnant.
Like all the women in history who have been
raped and ended up pregnant had to think happy thoughts
to have that child. Many probably hoped the baby wouldn’t come. But
it did. Because babies don’t care if you are singing lullabies in your head
or screaming in pain
at the point of conception.
Because we don’t control the rain.
~
For more of my writing on fertility, click here. For more poetry (mostly not mine), click here. For more on how to get through grief, click here.
